Yet another let down

To be honest I didn't find the increase in drugs too bad, although the 150iu ones did leave bruises and the last 50iu was very painful (which was a shock as I don't normally even feel them!!)  I didn't think I'd over stimulated again because I wasn't feeling too bloated or anything which I was pleased about.

Off we trotted to the FC on Friday for a scan to check the size of the follicles.  The nurse scanned me then said that I had 2 14mm follicles and 2 11mm follicles, and because they weren't big enough she wasn't willing to book me in for IUI on Monday without another scan.  I told her that I always OV around CD12 (which would be Sunday) but she still wouldn't budge on it.

So, Friday night I started getting OV pains.  By Saturday night I'd had quite a few pains and had sore (.)(.)'s so I knew I'd OV'd and that it would be yet another wasted cycle.  On Monday I went back knowing full well that it would be abandoned, and sure enough one of the 14mm follicles had popped, although the other one was still there and was now 19mm.  I did think they would still be able to go ahead with the IUI because I still had a follicle ready and waiting, but apparently not.  I also asked if they could give me something next time so that I didn't OV over a weekend (I'd been told there was something you could be given on a forum I use) but surprise surprise our useless clinic don't do that either.

Having spoken to my friend L who goes to the same clinic and is also having IUI, it seems as though our clinic doesn't do a fraction of the things that other clinics do - our only uses one type of stim drug and one type of trigger when others use several, ours do not offer the option to aspirate follicles if you have more than three to save abandoning cycles all the time because of over stimulating, and now to add to that list they won't give you anything to stop OV if it's over a weekend.  That's another peeve of mine over our clinic - they're closed weekends and close for almost two weeks over Christmas!!!!  Regulating a cycle and having fertility treatment sadly does not work to a time scale, so dictating that you're only allowed to OV Monday to Friday does seem a bit stupid doesn't it?!?!?!

Today also brought bad news for my friend L as AF arrived for her today meaning that her third IUI (she started in May and has only had three successful attempts at IUI) has failed.  She was so sure that it had worked this time that's she's heartbroken.  She's always been convinced that IUI would work for them, whereas I've never thought it would work for us, so each time it fails she takes it really hard.  The good thing is she's been ref'd onto the same IVF clinic as we have so she will be due to start IVF in November next year.

So, at the moment we're in limbo land again and basically just waiting on AF showing up again to go back for a scan to check the remaining follicles are gone before we start on this wonderful cycle again.  Apparently next month I'm being put onto daily injections to try and have the follicles ready before I OV naturally again.  I'm sure that'll be a delight to stick needles in my tummy every day rather than just every other day!!!

Oh well, hope everyone has a Happy Christmas and a brighter New Year, and that the holidays aren't too hard for my fellow LTTTCers.

S x

Starting again and the hidden costs of Infertility/Fertility treatment

After being MIA for 5 days AF finally arrived on Wednesday which meant a phone call to the FC to start another cycle.  As it'd been over a month since our last scan, they wanted me over again for another one before I could start which I was happy about as I'd been told just to call up then go over and collect the drugs.  Anyway, off we trotted on Thursday for another date with the dildo-cam, and thankfully everything looked fine and we were given the green light to start another IUI cycle.

We were at the supermarket the other day and as there was a 3 for 2 on vitamins I stocked up as we were both running out.  Even on the special offer, for my prenatal vitamins for a month and hubby's for two months it still cost us £20 for them!!!  It got me thinking, although we all know that fertility treatment is expensive and are always relieved if we qualify for NHS funding, there are still a hell of a lot of hidden/un-thought about costs involved with having fertility treatments.  Every month you're shelling out for vitamins for you both (£20 at least depending on what you take), fuel to and from the many (many) hospital appointments, time off work (as I know a lot of us take holidays in order not to have to tell bosses what we're doing so in effect it's costing you a day's wage) not to mention the copious amounts of wine and chocolate required every month when it's yet another BFN!!  We've been TTC for 28 months, so in that time it's cost us roughly £560 for vitamins alone!!!  At the moment each month is costing us about £60 a month plus four days off work to have treatment - that adds up to quite a lot when you're having treatment month after month.  It just goes to show, even when you are lucky enough to have NHS funding, the financial cost of treatment is actually pretty substantial.

So, I've just given myself my first injection of this cycle - 150iu Gonal F - and have another 150iu to take on Tuesday then 75iu on Thursday before going back for a scan on Friday.  Fingers crossed I don't over stim on the higher does and that I manage not to OV before next Monday when we "should" be having IUI done again.

S x

Our Month Off

Just realised it's been almost four weeks since I updated on here - how on earth did that happen!!!  So, we had an enforced month off treatment because we were going to be in Italy in the middle of the next cycle.  I was a bit upset about it, but to be honest it's been nice having a break from drugs and appointments for a few weeks.

Our week in Bologna was amazing - I'm not a city person at all but I could live there no problem.  We spent the week visiting all the beautiful buildings in the city and just soaking up the whole atmosphere of the place.  It's not touristy at all,so it feels very authentically Italian as apposed to the way it goes when places become tourist hot spots.  The one place that stood out to me over everywhere else was a chapel called San Pietro.  It didn't look anything from the outside, and we actually wandered into it because we saw someone coming out and wondered what it was.  I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but for some reason that place seemed to pull me in and I wanted to go back to it over and over again.  I just wanted to sit at the back and think, and it seemed to be so easy to do that there.

Being away gave us a chance to talk about things without the pressure of appointments and without me being totally irrational because of the drugs.  DH admitted that he feels it's all his fault that we can't get pregnant and that if the treatment doesn't work he think's we'll split up within a year.  I told him that I felt as though he wasn't interested in the treatment and hadn't asked how I was feeling through the whole TWW, and that he didn't even know when the OTD was.  He said he did know when the OTD was, but he didn't want to talk about it all the time because he knew it would upset me.  I think we both realised that we keep things to ourselves a lot because we're scared of hurting the other one, but that it actually hurts us both more when we don't talk about things.  After that things were fine (well, apart from me losing my purse with half of our spending money and credit card in it!!  Wasn't found but mum sent money to us through Western Union so we were ok)

Strangely though, I didn't OV when we were away (still haven't and since I'm on CD21 or 23 (not sure which day to take as CD1 this month) I've no idea what's going on)  AF is next due on 3rd December, so unless she arrives then I've no idea what's going to happen with our next cycle as we may not be able to fit a cycle in before Christmas.

I think the break away did do us the world of good and made us feel more like just being "us" again.  DH did surprise me at the airport on the way home by going into the Ducati shop and buying these for us to keep, and hopefully we'll need them at some point.

S x

Taking a Break

Today was official test date (OTD) and because of that I had to call the fertility clinic today.

Having spoken to my friend L (who is at the same clinic as us having IUI) about the FC not accepting my AF as a proper AF - something they told me on Monday when I called to ask - we decided that I'd be better to test this morning before I called them.  L was actually a star and we met last night because she had some HPT's that she wanted me to have to use today.

So this morning, not holding out much hope I POAS as ordered and wasn't the slightest bit surprised that it was a BFN.  Thankfully when I called the clinic today the nurse I spoke to was happy with that and said that I know my body better than anyone and if I'm happy what I had was an AF then that was good enough for her, so that cycle has officially been written off as a failure.

Next Monday we're off on a wee holiday - and I can't wait.  We're going to Bologna - home of Ducati - for five days and of course while we're there we will be visiting the Ducati museum and factory.  To be honest I think we badly need some time away together to try and forget about all the stress of fertility treatment.  The last few months have been really difficult, and have put a huge strain on our marriage, so hopefully some time away just relaxing will help us sort ourselves out and hopefully take some of the strain off.

Sadly though, it does mean we'll have to miss a month of treatment as we would have been due to have the actual IUI done at the end of next week when we won't be here.  In a way I'm kind of glad to have a break from all the injections and scans, but it's going to be a hard month knowing that we're back to doing nothing again.  I do OV while we're away though, so I'm sure we'll take advantage of being in a romantic country and I guess you just never know (well actually I do know, but I can live in hope!!)

S x

Over and Out

Well, surprise surprise - AF arrived today so our IUI didn't work :-(

I didn't post during the TWW, as to be honest there wasn't really anything to say.  I had my normal post OV symptoms, but that was it really.  I was naughty and tested early on Thursday, and I wasn't the least bit shocked to see a BFN as I just knew this time hadn't worked.  Friday I started spotting very pale pink, then nothing for the rest of the day until Friday evening when I had a tiny amount of brown spotting.  Yesterday there was yet more spotting, only for AF to arrive proper today.

On Friday I thought it was all over anyway, but when the spotting stopped I'll admit I did get my hopes up ever so slightly that maybe it was an implantation bleed.  Yesterday though I had a word with myself because I knew I was only setting myself up for a fall thinking that way, and lo and behold wasn't I just proved right!!!

So, I'll allow myself a day or two (at most) of being upset then yet again it's time to dust myself off and get on with it again.  Sadly this month will be an enforced month off, as we decided we need some time away and we're heading to Bologna (Italy) on Monday next week for five days.  I am frustrated that we'll have to miss this month and let another chance of a BFP pass us by, but there isn't anything I can do about so we'll just have to have some "au natural" trying while we're on holiday ;-)

S x

Death of a Legend

I'm an emotional person normally, but honestly when I'm injecting I'm a total wreck and the sad news yesterday all but tipped me over the edge.

After our IUI on Friday we had a very quiet weekend and I just took things easy.  Yesterday was our MotoGP day, so we were up early as it was in Malaysia.  The 125cc and Moto2 races went off ok, then the GP started.  All was well for the warm up lap, then the race proper started and in only the second lap of the race the most awful thing I have ever witnessed happened - Marco Simoncelli lost control of his bike, veered across the track and two other riders (Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi) ran over him.  All of a sudden there were three bikes flying into the gravel trap, with Vale still on his, Edwards on the ground - and Simo flying across the track, face down and worst of all without his helmet on.  I have honestly never felt so sick as I did when I saw him without his helmet on lying on the track not moving.

The race was immediately red flagged (stopped) and the medical teams rushed to Simo and Edwards.  Vale was able to ride back to the pits and seemed to be unhurt.  We knew it wasn't going to be good news, but we were keeping everything crossed that because he was a fit strong young guy he'd be ok.  Race direction decided that they'd restart the race at 4.30pm - 9.30am BST - but just after that time they announced that although Marco had regained consciousness, they were abandoning the race to allow the medical teams to concentrate on him.

All filming stopped at the point, so we were checking non-stop on line to find out what was happening - only to find out at 10am that Marco had died four minutes earlier.  I'm not a person who gets upset by celebrity deaths, but as soon as I saw that the tears started and I just couldn't stop them.  I just can't believe that he's dead, which sounds really stupid considering I didn't even know the guy I know, but for some reason his death just knocked me sideways.  For the rest of the day there were tributes and statements released about Marco's death, and eventually I had to stop readying them because every time I did I'd start to cry again.

Even today, listening to the obituary that's been done on the BBC website for Marco I had tears running down my face and just couldn't stop them.  My heart really goes out to all his family, and to his close friend Valentino Rossi who must be devastated that not only has his friend gone, but he was actually involved in the crash that resulted in his death.  I know they'll be kind of forgotten because everyone will be so consumed with thinking of Marco's family, but I feel so much for Vale and for Colin Edwards (who sustained a dislocated shoulder in the crash) who will no doubt be tearing themselves apart, even although there was nothing they could have done to avoid Marco.

They will have to live with the fact that they were involved - through no fault of their own - in Marco's death.  I just hope that they realise that it wasn't either of their faults and that no one blames them in the slightest for what happened - it was a completely freak accident with devastating consequences.

It really makes you realise how frigile life is.

Caio Marco, you'll never been forgotten and always be remembered as the champion you are #58

S x

The Closest We've Ever Been to Being Pregnant

After an almost sleepless night last night - think I got about two hours sleep - we were back at the FC this morning for hubby to hand in his sample.  We were at a bit of a lose end when we got home, and I think the biggest fear we both had was that we'd get a phone call to say that hubby's sample wasn't good enough to use and we'd have to abandon another cycle.

Thankfully though, we were worrying for nothing.  We went back to the FC at midday and when I asked the nurse she said the sample was slightly low, but perfectly adequate for IUI.  It was back on the table and into the stirrups (do you know I don't even get embarrassed any more) for the actual IUI to take place.  The scientist from the lab came in with the prepared sample, and after loads of checks to confirm it was ours the nurse got started.

I'd read on line it was a bit like having a smear done, and it was I guess.  The nurse inserts a speculum as you have done at a smear, then she puts a thin catheter into your uterus and injects the first sample there.  She then moves the catheter and inserts another sample at the opening to the cervix (the first is the "best" of the sample and the second is the rest)  And that's it, all done.  We were left in the room for five minutes with the table tipped up slightly, then just got ready and went home.  I haven't actually OV'd yet, but it should be tonight or tomorrow morning and hubby's commando's will be sitting there waiting on the egg arriving.

One the nurse was finished and hubby and I were just sitting together on our own, I started to feel really emotional and had to stop myself from crying especially when hubby leaned over, kissed me and told me he loved me.  I didn't think it would effect me that way, but I guess when you think about it today could be the day when our baby is conceived.  I'm trying really hard not to think that way though and to keep reminding myself that there is a very good chance it won't work, but just the odd time it's nice to dream a little and think that maybe, just maybe it'll be our turn for a miracle.

S x

The day that changes our lives?

Well, the last of the Gonal F injections were done yesterday (CD5 7 & 9) and I was back at the FC today for a scan to check how many follicles we had this time.  I was so convinced that I'd over stimulate again that I was totally prepared for it to be another abandoned cycle.  What I shock I got when the nurse told me that we had one follicle at 17mm and a couple of smaller ones - so we could go ahead with the rest of the treatment!!!
To help the other follicles along, I was given another Gonal F injection to do at the clinic (hubby found it really funny that I was at the hospital but had to do my own injection) and given a 250mg Ovitrelle to inject at midday. I wasn't really looking forward to doing it at work, but as it turned out it wasn't too bad and I managed to sneak it into a sharps bin at work ok so that I didn't have to try and carry it home (I work in a lab by the way)

So, as of now I should be about ready to ovulate at least one egg, possibly more if the Gonal F has worked ok.  Tomorrow morning hubby has to do his bit, and take it over to the FC at 8.45am.  Then it's back at midday for us and that's when the actual IUI will take place.

For anyone who doesn't know the process, what basically happens is that the take hubby's sperm and wash it to sort the good swimmers out.  They are then put into a medium that helps nurture them and keep them alive, and that solution is then inserted via a catheter into my uterus.  Apparently it's no more uncomfortable than a smear test although it can cause a bit of cramping, but I'll withhold my judgement on that until I've had it done.

Hubby is a bit worried that his sample will be one of the not so great ones and it will mean the IUI won't work, but as I told him there isn't anything we can do about it and we just have to take things as they come and hope for the best.

So, tomorrow could be the day that changes our lives forever - if we're lucky!!

S x

Ouchee!!!!!

Night one of doing the injections all on my own at home, and I think it went pretty well for my first go considering it's been a few weeks since I did the one in front of the nurse.

I think I pressed the needle in a bit too hard, because I've got a bit of bruising appearing around it but I can live with that.  It's so much easier to be able to do them at home too instead of having to trail up to the hospital every time too.  I don't think hubby is very keen on it though, because I was doing it sitting next to him and he kept his head turned away! lol  Goodness knows how he'd be if he had to inject himself or if I couldn't do it and he had to inject me!!

Before you start treatment and see all the bits and pieces that you have to take home in order to do your injections, it can be quite worrying because you don't know what to expect.  I posted a picture of my "goody bag" before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the actual injection pack for anyone who hasn't started treatment yet.  Sometimes when you know what to expect it's not quite as scary.

The pink needle is the big one you use to inject the liquid into the vial and then draw it up again, and the red needle is the one you use to actually inject yourself.  Don't worry though, once you've seen them both there is no way you'd mix them up because the pink one is HUGE!!! lol  You'd certainly know all about it if you tried to stick that one into your tummy!!

It sounds a bit strange, but I was actually looking forward to starting my injections today because it makes it feels as though you're doing something proactive for a change.  Last cycle when I was injecting the Gonal F I didn't have any side effects really other than a bit of bloating after the third injection.  The one thing I did find with it though was that it made me sleep really well - which I wasn't expecting at all!!!  Fingers crossed that's one side effect I get again this cycle!!!

S x

And we're off......

Scan this morning and all the follicles are gone, so we're good to go for IUI attempt number 2.

Had the crabby nurse again today and this time she didn't even tell hubby to come through for the scan, just left him sitting on the other side of the curtain.  He didn't really miss anything though because she was done in two minutes and just said "all the follicles are gone" and that was it.  Still, I'm pleased thing are all ok and we aren't going to have to miss a month of treatment.  Because I did my last injection with the nurse, I can do them all at home now which is much easier as means a hell of a lot less trips to the hospital.  I've got three Gonal-F injections home to do tomorrow, Monday and Wednesday then it's back to the hospital for another scan on Thursday. It should really be Friday for the scan, but because it's the weekend it has to be a day earlier.  Just have to hope that the follicles are ready on Thursday to allow the IUI to happen on Friday, otherwise it'll be another abandoned cycle as I know that I'll OV naturally over next weekend.

So, all being well we should hopefully only have between 1-3 follicles this time as I'm not taking clomid this month, just the Gonal-F injections.  Really hope that things go well this time as I really don't want to have another abandoned cycle.

Oh, just remembered something I asked the nurse too.  I've always had pretty light AF's but it's never bothered me until we started TTC and I was starting to wonder if it was an issue.  I kept forgetting to ask, but when I asked today she said it shouldn't be a problem as all my tests were totally normal and the lining of my womb looks ok too.  So, seems I'm just a bit strange and should just enjoy having a 1 day AF instead of the 5-7 days most people seem to have.

S x

And so it begins again!!

AF decided to show up five days late on Monday, and to be honest I was quite glad because I don't really do waiting very well!! lol  I was prepared for it being a killer AF because from what I can see on line it seems that the drugs do make it heavier and the cramping worse.  I had one day of killer cramps on Monday - to the point I could barely walk up right - but after that it got better and by Tuesday night I was fine.

It's a bit strange though, and I need to try and remember to ask at the FC, but my AF's only last 24 hours at a push.  Every test I've had done has come back fine (HSG, bloods etc) but I can't help thinking that there must be something wrong that I only have a 1 day AF when most people seem to have 5 days or more.  I know I shouldn't really complain, but it does worry me slightly.

Anyway, I spoke to the nurses on Monday and I've to go for yet another date with the dildo-cam tomorrow.  Because I over stimulated last month, they need to scan me to check that there aren't any follicles left over that haven't been reabsorbed.  If they've all gone, then great and I'll start injecting myself on Saturday (CD5) and continue every other day until I go back for a scan on CD11.  If they aren't gone then we won't be allowed to start the next IUI cycle and we'll have to miss a month - which wouldn't be great.

So, keep your fingers crossed that it's all good at the scan tomorrow and we can get started on the lovely process all over again.

S x

Waiting!

Well, we're now at 16 days past ovulation - and no sign of AF as yet.  I haven't tested yet as I'm sure it's just AF playing funny beggars and she'll arrive soon, but I am slightly worried because of the number of follicles I had just after OV.

I have been pretty hormonal all week this week, more so that when I was actually taking the drugs.  So much so that while I was telling my sister about our failed cycle the other day on the phone, I got upset and couldn't speak anymore but when I handed the phone to hubby he was really stroppy about it and I totally lost it and shouted at him that he was a "fcuking d*ck" and stormed upstairs!!!  I never every say anything like that to him, so can only imagine that it's the drugs making me a nutcase!!  We didn't speak all day yesterday, but we seem to have made up a bit now thankfully because I hate it when we're not speaking.

I knew all of the treatment would be stressful, but this is the first time really that I've realised quite how much of a hormone monster it turns you into.  Fingers crossed that when I start the next lot of drugs it won't be as bad as I'll be taking less this time.

S x

I'm having an affair .....

......with the dildo cam!!!!  Feels that way anyway as I'm ahem "intimate" with that more than I am with hubby at the minute!!!

Back at the FC again today for yet another scan, and it was good news!!  We're now down to 3 follicles on one ovary and 2 on the other-yipee!!!  So since Friday's scan each side has gone down by two, so going on that they *should* all be gone Thursday or Friday.  I really hope so, as AF is due between Thursday and Sunday and if they're not all gone when I'm scanned at the clinic again between CD1-5 we won't be allowed to start the next cycle.

It was bad enough having this cycle abandoned, but the thought of having to spend another month doing nothing just doesn't bear thinking about - I don't know how I'd cope with that to be honest.

S x

An Educational Day (for a change)

After the scan on Friday showed things to be getting slightly better, I think they're continuing on the same track as I've not been feeling as bad the last two days - yipee!!!

Today was a proper "Me" day  (don't know the last time I had one of those!)  I started off at the swimming then when I was finished I went and had a coffee (decaf naturally) and read my book for an hour in the hotel lounge. It's not normally something I'd do alone, but I had time to kill before heading to the Nuffield so it seemed a good plan.  Was very enjoyable actually!!

Then I headed into the Nuffield Private Hospital in Glasgow for a fertility open day.  We'd been booked on one before but couldn't make it, so I was really looking forward to today.  I was a bit early, so they just added me into the earlier group and we started off by having a presentation from one of the consultants.  She was really nice and went through everything about the hospital and what happens there in regard to fertility treatment.  After that, we actually got to meet the Embryologist and she showed us pictures from the microscope of every stage right from egg collection, fertilization, days 1-5 and embryo transfer.  After that we were all shown around the clinic by one of the nurses, and got to see in the consultation rooms, the bedrooms you use when you're in for egg-collection and embryo transfer, the room you go into for collection and transfer (looked quite scary actually) and the special room they have for hubby's to do their part.  I have to say I was very impressed with that room as it had an outside door, a little corridor then the actual door to the room which is great because then it wouldn't feel as though you could hear everyone going past and that they might walk in.

All in all it was a brilliant day and it's the most information I've been given by anyone we've seen.  It was really good to see where "it all happens" too as to be honest I don't think I had much of a clue about where they'd actually do the treatment.  

After the tour we were able to have a private consultation with one of the nurses to discuss what we were looking for from treatment.  Although I was there on my own (hubby was nightshift last night) I decided to speak to the nurse anyway just to see what she thought of where we are. She was VERY surprised that I'd over stimulated on the doses of drugs I was on, and said I must have a very high AMH level which is fantastic for IVF.  She also brought up egg-sharing as an option for us, and as I've said before it is something that I think I might like to do to help someone else who is struggling to TTC.

I'm home armed with a bundle of information to show hubby (if he ever stops playing footie on the PS3 with C) and discuss if we want to go ahead with private treatment or just stick with the IUI and wait on our turn for IVF.

My gut feeling - I really really liked the hospital today and would love to go ahead with our treatment there asap.

S x 

Another trip to the FC

Off I trotted this morning for yet another date with the dildo-cam - what joy!!

Had a different nurse today (don't like her as much as the other one) and she seemed surprised that hubby wanted to sit with me during the scan.  He does that with every scan though, and to be honest I don't see why he shouldn't as he's (almost) as much a part of the process as I am!!!

Anyway, I digress!!!  Result of the scan is that I now have 5 follicles left on one side and 4 on the other side, which is an improvement on Wednesday when I had 6 on one side and 7 on the other.  So it looks as though things are starting to improve slightly, although I still seem to be in as much pain which I don't understand.  I've to go back on Monday again to have it re-check, so fingers crossed by then they've all gone so that we're ready to start again when AF arrives.

S x

I've had a pretty rough few days, hence no posting from me for a while.

I've been in quite a bit of pain since the scan last Wednesday that led to our IUI cycle being cancelled. On Thursday it was crippling - to the point I was going to get DH to take me to the hospital - but on Friday it eased off and I thought it was because I OV'd and it was more painful than normal because of the multiple follicles I'd produced (the IUI was abandoned because I over stim'd)

Anyway, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday it was as bad as every again and Wednesday was awful. My stomach was so swollen up that I looked as pregnant as the girl I work with who is almost 6 months (and I normally have a flat size 10 tummy) and I'm in pain constantly and it becomes worse when I move. I decided to phone the FC to ask their opinion, and the nurse told me to go over this afternoon to be scanned to check what's going on.

I went to the hospital, and after a scan they confirmed that it's OHSS. My ovaries are so enlarged that they were touching!!!! The nurse couldn't even see my uterus because they were blocking everything. Apparently I had 6 follicles in one ovary and 7 in the other - and they all OV'd!!! And they were all over 2mm each! No wonder I was in pain on Thursday when I OV'd. I was ordered off work for the next few days and told to rest a lot.

So, I took yesterday and today off as holidays (don't really want to take them as sick if I can help it) and yesterday I literally didn't move from the sofa all day except to have a shower. I'm due back at the hospital in about an hour and a half, and to be honest things aren't really any better. I still look about 6 months pregnant and at times I can't even do up my trousers, and still in a lot of pain although not moving has helped a bit (until I move again that is!!)

So, fingers crossed that things look a bit better on the scan today and that I don't need to a) take any more time off work and b) they don't admit me to hospital!!!

S x

What a couple of days!

After our disappointment on Wednesday I'll admit I was a bit tearful the rest of the day.  I don't think it helped that the scan caused me to have horrible tummy ache all night either.
Yesterday, however was worse.  I wasn't too bad in the morning, but come mid afternoon I had horrific pains in my tummy to the point where I was struggling to walk because every step made it worse.  I went to the swimming in the hope that would help, but if anything it made it worse and by the time I got home I couldn't do anything but lie on the sofa.  At one point I was getting pretty worried it was OHSS and considered phoning the hospital to ask what to do, but I decided I'd give it over night and judge how it was this morning.

Thankfully it seems to have eased up a lot today, and although it's still tender it's bearable now.  I'm wondering if it was maybe OV pains yesterday and was just a lot worse than normal because there were so many follicles to OV?  We were advised by the nurse not to BD just in case because there was an increased chance of more than one egg fertilizing, but we kind of forgot! *oops*  Just have to hope that nothing comes of it, although after over two years of TTC I don't think there's much chance of it anyway.

S x

Cycle Abandoned

Just back from the hospital and we've had to abandon this cycle as I overstimulated.

We were hoping for between 1-3 follicles, but there were seven mature and a lot of smaller ones too, so they can't proceed any further this month. Need to wait until AF arrives again then go back for a scan to check the follicles are all gone before we can start the next cycle.

I'm so disappointed that we've got this far only for it all to stop again

D Day Approaching

Tomorrow is D day - decision day that is!!

Tomorrow morning we're back at the FC for a scan to check how many follicles I have, and all being well I should be able to have my trigger shot in the afternoon (self administered) in order for IUI to take place on Thursday afternoon.

I've taken Thursday and Friday off work, partly because if the follicles aren't ready I'll have another Gonal F injection tomorrow and then back on Thursday to check them again, and partly because I'm really struggling to concentrate on anything at work just now.  Due to the work I do, I really can't afford to make mistakes, so I figured until we get this part over with I'd (and my patients) be better taking some time off.

I'm not stressed about it all as such, but it has hit me in the last 24 hours that it's all very real now and things have moved very quickly (we only had our appointment to confirm we were starting treatment two weeks ago!)  I don't know if it's the thought of it not working, and potentially having all this to do again another five times before we even start IVF, but it has freaked me out slightly.  I'll be fine though I'm sure, although going on the last week or so I think I could be certifiable by the end of the TWW.

So please keep your fingers crossed for us that the follicles are nice and mature tomorrow, and that there are a maximum of three waiting for us as any more than that and we'll have to abandon the cycle.

S x

Feeling so let down

Apologies, I just read this post back and it's a bit of a ramble but I'm hoping it'll help to write it down.

I went to the hospital yet again today and had the third of my Gonal F injections.  I say "had", but that should actually be "gave myself" as today I had to do the jab myself with the nurse watching to make sure I did it right.  Apparently I'm a pro at it, so I'll be able to do all the injections from now on at home myself.  I'm pleased about that as it will mean a lot less trips to the hospital.
So, next on the agenda is back to the FC on Wednesday for a scan to check if the follicles are ready.

Still doing well on the side effect front, although I have had a bit of an emotional night.  The thing that upset me is that although we chose to tell my Mum that we were starting treatment this month she has shown no interest whatsoever and hasn't even asked if we've started or how it's going.  We did say that we were hoping to pay for private treatment while we were waiting on NHS IVF, and Mum always said that she'd help us out with some of the money towards it.  We didn't plan on taking her up on that, but it was nice to have the offer.
When we found out we could give IUI a try, I told Mum about it although we didn't mention if it was NHS or private and she didn't ask.  Ever since then she has avoided us and even when she's been speaking to me has made a point of speaking about everything else except the biggest thing in our lives - trying to have a baby.

I think that she isn't bringing it up because she's worried we'll ask her for the money she's offered toward the treatment - not that we would even if it were private treatment - and for some reason she doesn't want to help us.  Now, to put you in the picture my parents are far from short of cash and recently I claimed back PPI on their mortgage for them and I know that they received over £6k back.

The money isn't what is bothering me anyway, the thing that's upsetting me is that she doesn't even care what we're going through.  It hurts even more because when we started attending the FC my oldest sister was going through fertility testing too.  In the end, sadly her and her husband can't have kids, but all through her appointments and tests Mum made a point of calling us all to tell us what was going on.  I always asked her anyway, because I was interested and cared and wanted to be there for her, but now we're the ones going through it all no one is interested at all.  The only thing she seems to care about just now is her holiday (which is another bone of contention between her and us as she booked it with my middle sister and her kids and didn't want us and our kids to go)

The way I feel over all of this has really made me take a step back from my family and tonight I couldn't even bare to speak to Mum and made hubby lie to her that I wasn't here. I feel as though hubby and I are on our own.

S x

Knew it was too good to last!!

So off I trotted to the hospital today to have my second Gonal F injection.  It was pretty straight forward really, just went into the ward and told the nurses who I was and they showed me into a treatment room.  The nurse who did the injection was really nice, and when she injected the drugs it was a lot less painful than the last one.  I'm not sure if it was because this one was on the opposite side and if maybe there was scar tissue from my appendectomy, but either way I'm not bothered so long as it wasn't painful. lol
As we were leaving the nurse wished us good luck, which was lovely but almost made me cry!!

Within a few hours my tummy started feeling quite bloated and heavy and it's still the same way.  I did think it was a bit too good to be true that I didn't have any side effects at all, but if that's all I have to suffer then I won't complain.

I also decided to have a try of my practice injections tonight.  I did one and have one to do tomorrow night before I inject myself on Monday at the hospital.  It was a bit fiddly because it's the first time I'd done it, but it was pretty straight forward, although I did feel a bit sorry for the apple I injected!! lol

S x

Well that was interesting!!!

So yesterday was the first of my injections.  Apparently the latest drug being fed to me is Gonal F at 70iu does.  I hadn't really been nervous about going yesterday, but for some reason around 12 I started to get quite stressed about it.  I'm not scared of/worried by needles, in the slightest, but I'll be honest - when I saw the drug pack sitting on the table it did cross my mind that I didn't think I could do all of this.

It didn't last long though, and as soon as the nurse started showing me what to do to make up the solution, filling the syringe and changing the needles I was totally ok about it.  Mixing it up looks ok (I was worried it'd be complicated) and it wasn't even sore when she put the needle in.  When she injected the drugs though, jeez did that sting like a biatch!!!!!

I'd thought I had a scan to have yesterday, but when I got there I didn't have so that was a nice surprise.  For some reason when I think I don't have a scan to have I get one, and when I think I have one I don't!!!  Still, I won't complain at as little scans as possible!

I was given a goody bag to take home with me before we left.  Hubby said it wasn't fair that he didn't get one, but when I said he could have mine if he took the drugs he soon changed his mind :-)  My little bag basically has all the things I need in it to self-inject.  It comes with two practice drug packs to allow me to practice making up the solution and injecting it into a piece of fruit - because that'll be anything like injecting it into my own tummy I don't think! I'll try and add a picture of it if I can work out how!!

As it stands now, I've just taken my last clomid tablet tonight (5 in total) and I've had the first of three Gonal F injections.  I have my next injection here as I have to go to a different hospital tomorrow to have my second injection as the FC is closed at the weekend and you take your own drugs, this also means that instead of just doing the third injection myself I have to go and do it with the nurse watching to make sure I can do it ok on Monday morning.  If we need another cycle though I'll be able to inject all of them myself, which will save a lot of running around to the hospital every couple of days.

I seem to be lucky so far and I've not had too much in the way of symptoms from the drugs so far.  I've been trying to keep busy so that I don't start that old favorite pass time of all LTTTCers - symptom spotting!!! lol  Here's hoping the lack of side effects continues!

Two down, three to go......

So far so good - two days of clomid so far (tonight is number three) and no side effects!  I'm not actually sure whether it's actually been no side-effects or if the stinky cold that I can't shake off is just covering them up!! lol
Tomorrow it's off to the hospital for the first of my injections, but to be honest I'm not too worried about it because needles don't really bother me much.  I just hope that I don't end up a moody cow with all the hormones! lol

Although we've told my family and a couple of friends each about the problems we've had TTC, we've only told my parents and two friends that we're actually starting treatment.  To be honest now I wish we just hadn't told them because my mum is so disinterested and it really gets to me that she doesn't seem to care about what we're going through.  Still, I know that if the treatment works she'll soon change her tune, but she'd be in for a shock because I'm afraid that wouldn't be happening - we've had to cope with this journey without their support, so if we get the result we want we'll be the ones enjoying it all without anyone else trying to muscle in.

Anyway, that's my moan for the evening (think I'm a bit emotional tonight because I'm ill and tired)  Off to have a cuppa and my third clomid then bed for me to try and sleep off some of this cold!!

S x

And, we're off!!!!

Well, AF showed up bang on time yesterday which for once I was actually pleased about.  The reason being that now we can start our first cycle of IUI!!!

Tonight I'll take my first 50mg Clomid tablet and the process will be started.

I called the clinic today (as they're closed over the weekend) and the nurse made all of my appointments for me: *I'll take Clomid from today (CD2) until CD5
*On Thursday (CD5) I have to go to the FC at 3.45 to have a baseline scan and my first injection.
*On Saturday I need to go to the Gynae department at a different hospital to have my second injection (again because the FC is closed over the weekend)
*On Monday I'm back to the FC again for another injection (if we need more cycles I'll do them myself after that)
*On Wednesday it's back to the FC AGAIN to another scan to see how the follies are growing
*If things are as they should be I'll be given a trigger shot to inject at 3pm and then we'll return to the FC the next afternoon for the actual IUI

If the follies aren't ready on Wednesday, I'll be given another injection and go back the next day to check if they're ready then before having the trigger.

All in all I think it's going to be a pretty busy (and quite scary) couple of weeks.  I'm not worried about the injections at all, but the whole process is a pretty daunting thought.  I'm quite aware that it's a lot of pressure on hubby too, as of course he needs to put up with the hormone effects plus knowing that he has to "perform" when required again.

So, after over two years of TTC and getting nowhere, we're finally on what will hopefully be the road to our BFP - the sooner the better!!!

S x

All set for our first IUI cycle

We had our appointment today to finalize all the bits and pieces for our first IUI cycle.

We had the same nurse as before, who is lovely, although she did surprise me with a scan I wasn't expecting (was so glad I "tidied up" before I went)  Everything with that was fine though, although I was a bit surprised to be scanned less than a week before AF is due.

Anyway, the nurse basically went over everything about the treatment - timescales, drugs, procedures for each appointment, side effects and what to do if anything was wrong either during office hours or outwith, all the things that can go wrong (but hopefully won't)
She then proceeded to scared the bejesus out of hubby by saying that it "could" result in triplets.  Amused me no end to watch his reaction

So this is the plan (just in case it's useful for anyone although of course things can always vary):

CD1 - phone the FC to arrange all of my appointments right through until the day after IUI
CD2 - start taking 50ml clomid each day until CD5 (which I got today so need to put somewhere I'll remember)
CD5 - into the FC for a scan to check everything is as it should be.  Also given my first injection today at the clinic.  They do this one.
CD7 - back to the FC for another scan to check lining and follicles and given another injection.  This time I'm shown how to make up the drugs myself and they watch me doing the injection.
CD9 - another injection but this time I do it myself
CD11 - FC for another scan to check follie growth, and if there are enough (1-3) and they're mature enough I'm given a trigger shot to take at 3pm.  If they're not mature I'm given another dose of drugs and return the next day to repeat the process.
CD12 - Basting day!!  Hubby has to hand in his sample in the morning, then two hours later I'm back to the FC for yet another scan to check that I've OV'd and then the washed sperm is inserted through a catheter.
CD13 - another scan to check that OV occurred, and if necessary another basting.
CD14-OTD - the dreaded TWW

So there you go, the plan of how my life should be for the next couple of weeks starting on Monday (if AF arrives on time)  We found out today that we get 6 cycles rather than the 3 I thought we got, so that's good news.

S x

Over the Moon

After worrying myself all week about hubby's SA today to decide if we can have IUI, I phoned the clinic at ten minutes past two (they told me to call after two lol) to be told

HIS SAMPLE SHOWS THAT WE'RE SUITABLE FOR IUI!!!!!

Over the moon doesn't even come close when I was almost sick when I was waiting for them to answer the phone to tell me.  The nurse laughed because I sounded so relieved!

So, we have an appointment on Wednesday next week to have our compulsory counselling, complete the paper work and go over the treatment and what it entails.  After that we're good to go, and as AF is due on 11/12th that means we'll be starting our first cycle of treatment roughly a week on Sunday/Monday.

After over two years of trying to get pregnant it finally feels as though we're getting somewhere.  I know there's a good chance it won't work - but there's also a chance that it could help us to have the baby we've waited so long for.

S x

Another phone call about IUI

We finally received our letter from the FC confirming that we're top of the list for IUI.  The joy was short lived though because it said on it that they wanted another SA from hubby before starting treatment.  The letter said I had to call to discuss it further, but I couldn't call until today as the letter came in on Saturday.

So, I called the clinic today and spoke to the nurse.  When I had my bloods done the nurse said if hubby's last SA was within a year then they wouldn't need another, but when I asked about that the nurse told me that as hubby's samples are so variable (he's had one good and three bad), they want to do another one before starting treatment.  However, if the sample is the same as three out of the four he's already done, then they won't go ahead with treatment.  I really thought this was our first step to getting help to have a baby, but looks as though it could all be snatched away from us again.

The sensible part of me knows that it would be silly to undergo treatment when there isn't much chance of it working, but as anyone who has been TTC a long time will tell you - I'd do anything even if there was only a half a percent chance of it working.

So, from being so excited and positive about starting treatment, now we don't know if we will be starting at all.  Hubby is putting in a sample on Thursday and I've to call the nurses that afternoon.

One way or another, we'll know on Thursday afternoon if we can have IUI or if we need to continue our seemingly never ending wait to have a baby.

S x

Sometimes things happen that puts everything else in perspective

Since our good news last week I've been feeling a bit strange.  I can't really put my finger on why, but I've been really emotional and weepy all weekend, which is strange because I thought I'd be happy now that we are about to start treatment after all the time we've been waiting.
AF decided to show up a couple of days early on Sunday (wasn't due until Tuesday) which was a surprise, but it doesn't really matter much anyway because it just means my next cycle will start earlier and *hopefully* we'll be ready to start IUI then.

I went on Tuesday afternoon for my AMH bloods to be taken, and when I arrived the nurse said I'd have to come back to have another set done.  When I asked which ones, she said day 1-3 bloods, but as it turns out I was on day 3 so she did those then too!!  Pleased about that as a) one less time to be a pin cushion and b) we'll have all the results we need sooner meaning less chance of the start of IUI being delayed.  Now it's just a case of waiting on the letter from the FC to arrive and see what happens next.

**Very Sensitive**

On Wednesday night I got a telephone call from Mum to tell me some bad news.  My cousins little boy had been falling a lot, so his mum took him to the Doctor on Wednesday to find out why.  They took some bloods, and within twenty minutes of them leaving the surgery they called her to tell her to go straight to Yorkhill with him (Yorkhill is the major children's hospital in the West of Scotland)  To cut a long story short, it turns out that he has Leukemia and last night we found out that it's full blown adult leukemia rather than the more common childhood leukemia.  He's been put into isolation and is going to theatre today to have a central line placed for all of the medication he's going to need.

I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I work in the Histocompatibility and Immunogentics Laboratory in a hospital (we're one of only two of these labs in Scotland)  The main parts of our work are dealing with the the tissue typing for renal (kidney) and bone marrow transplants.  Due to this, I know a little more about leukemia, and for a child to have adult leukemia is not common, in fact I've not seen any in the six and a half years I've worked there.  That in itself is not a good thing, as the chances of recovering from it are not very good at all.  While I was speaking to mum last night she said that his parents have been told there is a 90% chance of him not leaving the hospital.

How to you even start to deal with the fact that your two year old child is so sick, let alone that you've been told that chances are he's going to die?  I've spent the last two years stressing about us not being able to get pregnant and thinking how unfair life is - but facing your two year old dying really is unfair.  How can it be that someone is given a baby to love, only for it to be potentially snatched away from them two years later?

 I have to say that all that's happened the last few days has raised a lot of concerns for me about having a baby.  I still would love to have a child of my own, but how do you continue to live if that child is so cruelly taken away from you?  My husband's brother died when he was 19 years old, he had been ill with heart problems as a child but had been well for years then just suddenly dropped dead in the street when he was out with his friends.  It's been 20 years since Patrick died, but every day my mother-in-law still wakes up and has to deal with the fact that her child is gone and will never come back.  Every day it chips another piece of her heart away, and every birthday, anniversary and Christmas she still feels the pain of losing him as much as they day he died.  How to go you go living after your child dies?

Back to Ryan, and now that he's in isolation he'll be given chemo to kill of any remaining white blood cells in preparation for him to have a bone marrow transplant.  His brothers will be tested first to see if they are a match (they're only 7 and 10 so even that is traumatic for them) and if they are then they'll donate bone marrow to their brother to try and save his life.  If not, the testing will move out to the immediate family, and if a match still isn't found then the wider family (including me) will be tested to.  I just hope one of us is a match for him as finding a match through the donor registries is totally hit and miss, and without a transplant I don't think he'll have any chance of getting better.

If anyone actually reads my blog, please keep Ryan in your thoughts and prayers as he needs all the help he can possibly get.

S x

RESULT (not of the BFP kind sadly)

So, last month I decided to phone our local FC and find out where we were on the IUI list with them.  The consultant told us that the chances of IUI actually working for us is pretty slim, but in his opinion it's worth a shot while we're waiting on the IVF list.
So, I spoke to one of the nurses last month who checked the list and told me we were 11th on it.  She estimated that we'd roughly be at the top in around 3/4 months.  Two days ago (and two years to the day since we started TTC) I suddenly decided to call the FC again to ask where we were on the list.  My thinking was that I could see how far up the list we'd gone in a month, then that would let me work out better a rough date when we should be about ready to start treatment.

So, again I spoke to the nurse and she checked the list to see where we were on it - only to come back and tell me we were at the top!!!!  Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to talk, and I swear when she said that it was the one time in my whole life that I was actually stuck for words - I just sat on the phone in total shock.  After getting myself together a bit, I managed to find out from her that basically we'll get a letter out to go for counselling, then following that we're good to go on my next cycle.  She checked my test results, and I haven't had an AMH done so she booked me in and I've to go on Tuesday next week to have blood taken for it as the results can take a couple of weeks to come back.

Having calmed down enough to think about things logically, my thinking is that with AF being due next week and allowing time for the counselling and any other appointments we need, we should be starting IUI in mid September - THAT'S ONE MONTH AWAY!!!!
Although I know the basics of IUI - DH's sperm will be washed and inserted into my uterus with a catheter exactly at OV - the ins and outs aren't totally clear to me yet.  I know that it could be either a medicated (the same sort of thing as IVF where you take drugs to mature the follicles then have a trigger shot to induce OV) or non medicated cycle where you OV normally.  Either way I need to have bloods taken and scans carried out throughout the whole process to check things are progressing as they should and to monitor when I OV to  almost the minute to make sure we have the best chance of fertilization.

I just hope that we get lucky again with DH's sample and it's a good one with plenty of swimmers.  I'm being realistic (well, I'm trying to be) because I know that with the problems we're dealing with IUI isn't the best treatment, but I'm still going to keep everything crossed that maybe, just maybe we'll be one of the lucky ones and won't have to go as far as IVF.

It's just as well I've been on a bit of a health kick recently (diet wise anyway because my hip is still playing up so I'm not able to get back to exercise yet) and now it's stepping up just a little bit more to make sure my body is ready if our miracle does happen soon.  Even DH is being really good at taking his vitamins every day to encourage good swimmers to grow - and that's a feat in itself because normally I have to force him to take them!! lol

I'm sure I'll be posting her more often now that things are actually starting to happen for us, to record our journey, maybe help anyone else about to start down the same road - but mainly because sometimes it's easier to write how you feel than it is to say it out loud, and that does help keep me sane!!!

S x

An update - on a few things!!!

So following the consultant appointment I talked about last time, two days later I ended up in A&E and being admitted to hospital.  Hubby decided that I had to go up on the Wednesday night because I'd been in a lot more pain than I had before and it was at the point where I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  Thankfully this time I saw a different consultant who was really nice, but he did say the same as the last one which was basically that they can't do anything to help me other than control the pain.  I was discharged with a whole pile of drugs (including morphine!!) and I've to go back for an MRI scan to make sure there isn't anything else wrong other than the bursitis.

I decided that if I was going to have to live with the pain then I had to try and get back to normal as much as possible - so I went back to work finally after being off for five months. Just now I'm doing three days a week and using holidays to have the other two days off, but I'm hoping I'll be able to go back full time soon before I use up all of my holidays!  Oh, and when I saw my GP before I went back he wasn't happy that the surgeons at our hospital won't even consider the op I could have so he's referring me into the Western Infirmary in Glasgow as there's a surgeon there who does it.  Fingers crossed either he operates or the better option of it going away on it's own happens soon.

When we were seeing the consultant at our local FC, he said he'd put us on the waiting list of IUI even although he doesn't think it'll be suitable for us.  His thinking is that we're waiting for IVF anyway, so when we get to the top of the IUI list he'll do another SA for hubby and if there's any chance it'll work he'll let us try it.  It's quite good of him actually as normally you're only allowed to be on one waiting list at a time, and if we'd to chose I'd have gone for the IVF one as there's more chance of that working.  I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to call up and ask where we were on the list for IUI.  We went on in March and we were told that the wait was roughly 9 months from then, which would have put us at around Christmas time for starting treatment if we were able to.  I spoke to one of the nurses when I called as she checked and told me that we're 11th on the list just now.  She couldn't tell me how much longer we'd have to wait, but she did tell me the people at the top of the list went on in February, so depending on how many cycles each one needs I'm thinking that we're maybe going to be a month or two before we were expecting.  It's not definite though because I'm not 100% sure how it all works, but I'll just stay with thinking it's Christmas and if it's earlier then it's a bonus.

So, it's back onto a bit of a health kick for us both now (although especially hubby to make sure his SA is as good as it can be) and I'm off to buy more vitamins for us both to take to make sure we're in as good a position as we can be for treatment.  I'm sure hubby will be delighted to be back on all the tablets I give him every day!!! lol

I'm having a bit of a dither about whether to buy something or not just now.  The book man comes into my work and leaves a pile of books which you can order if you want any of them.  In this lot there is a "My First Year" Winnie the Pooh book which is beautiful and comes in a lovely box.  It's to keep a note of everything in baby's first year from scans, firsts, etc - and I really want to buy it.  On one hand I think I shouldn't because who knows if any of the treatment will even work for us, but on the other I think maybe I should try and be positive and that one day we will need it and I can just keep it until then.  Hmm,what to do what to do!?!?!?!?!?!?!

S x

Another Hospital Visit - Not a FC One

Well I had to go and see the Orthopeadic Surgeon today at the local hospital.  I've been on crutches for five months after developing Bursitis in my hip, but nothing so far has cured it.  I've had two steroid injections, goodness knows how many anti-inflammatories and painkillers and even tried reflexology, but nothing has helped it at all.  I've been stuck in the house this whole time too, which is not a good thing as I'm a terrible patient!!  I did try to go back to work a few weeks ago, but lasted a whole two hours before my lab manager sent me home again. 

So, off I trotted to the hospital this morning with the hope that they'd do something to stop the pain and let me get my life back.  However, seems the NHS has a different idea about that!!!  The surgeon was a total plank and was rude from the minute he came into the room - didn't listen to a thing I said, talked over me and then actually threw - yes threw - the blanket I'd had covering my legs at me when he was finished looking at my leg.  My husband was actually on the verge of saying something to him, which says a lot because he never does anything like that.

The upshot is that he basically said he's not doing the operation I need because he doesn't belive in it!!  If I need it done, I'll have to be ref'd onto another hospital for the surgeon there to do it for me.  I've to go for an MRI scan before he'll decide what's to happen, so that's another three months of waiting around in pain for them to get me in for that.

So now I need to try and get back to work - partly because I'm bored silly and partly because I just can't afford to go onto half pay - no matter how much pain I'm in.  Not looking forward to it in the slightest I must say, although it'll be good to get out of the house again.

On the plus side though, being in pain the last several months has meant that I've put the whole IVF thing to the back of my mind and we're now 3 months closer to starting treatment!!

S x

It's Official

We are now officially on the IVF(ICSI) waiting list!!!  The letter arrived this morning to say that we are on the list from 8th March 2011 and the clinic will get in touch with us when our name reaches the top of the list.  I know we knew we were going onto the list, but somehow having it in writing to confirm it makes it a bit more real - and scary!!

I was watching a programme on TV a couple of nights ago ("Google Baby") and among other things the programme dealt with was a woman who was donating her eggs.  She wasn't having the whole IVF process herself, but she still went through the same initial steps - scans, drugs, EC - and it was interesting to watch someone actually doing it.  It did freak me out a bit though when she was injecting herself in the tummy.
I'm not bothered by needles, and having blood taken or having an injection doesn't bother me in the slightest.  BUT, seeing her do it made me think about the fact that I'm going to have to do that to myself for X number of days when we start treatment - and now I'm worried!!!

We want a baby so badly that I am quite prepared to do anything to get there.  I've known for a long time what the whole IVF process involves (and even have a few on-line friends who have had it and told me about it in detail) but for some reason that one programme and seeing that woman inject herself (she actually let her little girl do it for her some times too) made me wonder how I'm going to cope with it all.  I've gotten over the whole internal scan/examination thing (I was drugged and raped 6 years ago and for a long time couldn't even cope with going for a smear test. Fertility treatment, however, soon cures you of that!)  Hubby and I both understand the reaction the drugs could cause - in fact hubby has already decided that he'll be going away for at least a week while I'm drugged up!! lol  One thing I didn't count on at all is that maybe I won't be able to actually inject the drugs myself, and I know hubby won't do it because he hates things like that.

It's started me thinking about "what if...."  What if I can't inject myself?  What if I go back to being scared of the examinations that have to be done?  What if I have a bad reaction to the conscious sedation when/if we go for egg collection? 

And the biggest "what if...." of all - what if it doesn't work?

S x

Decisions Decisions

The husband and I have been living in our own house for a while now (four and a half years) and it's always been one of our goals to be able to move either before and shortly after we have baby.
Our ideal house is something like this: old detached house, in need of restoration, with a big garden (I will have the veg garden I've always wanted but can't have here) a driveway and either a garage or room for a workshop for hubby to use for his bikes.  Not asking a lot are we?!?!!? 

Our current pass-time is looking on-line for the type of house we're after and going to see them.  So far we've been to see an old church in need of conversion (it's called Walston Kirk in Scotland if anyone fancies a nosey) but it didn't have any garden - although it did come complete with it's own graveyard and a crypt inside it!!  The other house we saw was a little miners cottage in the middle of nowhere.  It needed some serious working doing to it - well when I saw work, it needed rebuilding because half of it had fallen down.  It would have been perfect if it hadn't had two derelict houses quite close to it which belonged to an old man who died.  No-one knows what will happen to them, so the kind of put us off that one (although it had the most amazing garden)
So our hunt will continue for the next while as we continue to save as much as we can to put toward a deposit and of course carry out any work we'd need to do. 

Now here's the decision part!!  I turn 30 next January (how did that happen?) and we had always planned to go on a big holiday to celebrate.  We aren't going to be able to go away this year, so it'd be two years since out last holiday (to amazing Singapore and KL) so we planned on making it a big one.
I have to tell you that my husband is a total holiday snob and refuses to go on "normal" holidays to places like Spain and will only stay in hotels that are 4/5*  The type of holidays we like usually run at around £2-3k for a couple of weeks, which is a lot of money but for something you love it's worth it right?  I would like to be able to move house asap (the area we are in isn't really bad, but I just want to get our ideal house NOW) and now I don't know whether we should just book the holiday as planned, or not bother with a holiday and put the money toward the house (which would be a fairly big boost to the fund.
We are going to be due to start treatment not long after my birthday, so we will plan a weekend away before then to just relax before the roller coaster of IVF starts. 

My head says fore go the holiday and boots the house fund, but then I see holiday adverts and think "oh I want that!!"  Jeez I wish I was better at making decisions!!

Anyone got a magic 8 ball I can borrow?!?!!?!?

S x

Making Plans for the Year

On 11th May we went to the IVF clinic in GRI to meet with the Dr who will be dealing with us throughout our treatment. His name was Dr Lani and he is by far the nicest of any of the FC people we've been dealing with. He really took time to go through everything we've had done so far and he was also the first person to actually explain the results of the latest SA to us (even to the point of showing us the analysis and explaining each part to us)

So the upshot of the appointment is that we're now on the waiting listfor IVF (woo hoo) and we've been told that we should expect to start treatment in March next year (2012)  There is a chance we could start earlier due to people who get pregnant naturally or decide they don't want to go ahead with treatment, but we've decided that it'll be March 2012 and then anything before that will be a bonus.

For the moment we've decided that we're not going to go ahead with private treatment (egg-sharing or other wise)  We know that we're entitled to two cycles of treatment on the NHS, so our plan is to wait until then to start any treatment and if those don't work then we'll self-fund further treatment.  Our main reason for this is that it'll give us a year a year or so to clear any outstanding debts we have (not many but having none would be better) and save as much as possible so that if we are eventually blessed with an addition to the family then we'll be in a good financial position. 

So, now I need to come up with some plans/activities to keep me busy for the next 9/10 months or so in order not to go completely mad - well madder than I am already!!!  I know in the grand scheme of things it's not really that long, but anyone who is a long term TTCer will tell you that every month seems like a lifetime when you're not getting pregnant.

I have a complete obsession with VW campervans (split screen ones of course) but sadly at around £20000 for a half decent one they are just way too expensive for me to get one for the foreseeable future - lottery win aside of course.  So having spoken to hubby about it again we're going to save up some pennies and buy ourselves a camper!   It won't be the kind I would love, but to be honest I'll settle with any campervan if it means us being able to get away more.  The best bit is that with a camper, we can travel abroad and even go to some MotoGP's (motorbike grand prix for anyone who isn't into it) which means I might, just might, get to catch a glimpse of my "other" man  - the gorgeous Valentino Rossi **swoon**

So that's one thing on the list to keep my busy in the next fews months, which means being a bit more frugal in order to save up enough cash for a nice one asap.  I am going to attempt to put TTC out of my mind totally for the next while and focus on other things for a change.  It's about time I got the bit of my life TTC has been taking up back I think.

S x

An up and down week

As happens often (make that very very often) when you've been TTC for a long time, I've had a bit of an up and down week this week.

Sunday afternoon hubby and I went to my sister's house for a BBQ (since the weather was lovely) but yet again hubby and I ended up arguing and going home early.
Long story short, he didnt' speak to me all night then went off to work nightshift without even saying goodbye - which we have never done as long as we've been together.  I got really upset and decided it was a good idea to have a glass of wine.  Now I don't drink very often, but an hour later the whole bottle was gone and I was sitting on the sofa crying my eyes out and debating going upstairs to pack my things and leave.  I was on FB speaking to friends, and spoke to a friend I met in horrible circumstances (we were both raped and met on a survivors forum)  We haven't spoken much in a while over a stupid falling out, but as has happened many times in the past, I ended up pouring out everything that's been going on to her. 

I eventually fell into bed - and I mean fell - and woke up the next day feeling a whole lot better about everything.  Hubby came home and we made up again which helped too.

Since then Mum has been in hospital for an op, so I've had something else to focus on/worry about which means not so much dwelling on things.  Speaking to a friend (virtual one but someone I class as a good friend) tonight on FB I decided to tell her about the whole egg-sharing thing as the only other person I've spoken to about it is my Mum.  It was so nice to have someone to share it with and she was so supportive about the whole thing (and wants to be kept updated)  Even better - one of her friends went with egg-sharing too and now has twin girls and is willing to talk to me about it all!!!  I'm so happy that I can ask all the niggling questions I have before we commit to it 100% and the answers will come from someone who's been there - not some Doctor or nurse who doesn't know how it actually feels to go through it.

All in all I'm feeling a lot clearer about the next step on our path to having a baby and hopefully before long we'll have all the tests and appointments we need to get started on treatment.

S x

A Big Decision

We've talked about this before, but as money is a bit tight we never really thought we'd be able to go ahead with it.  However, when I was speaking to my Mum a few days ago she offered us some money toward treatment.  It now looks as though egg-sharing will be an option for us to enable us to go ahead with treatment asap.


What Is Egg-Sharing?

Egg sharing is a process whereby patients with a normal egg reserve can undergo IVF and share their eggs with a woman who cannot produce their own good quality eggs. By sharing their eggs the donor is helping a couple and there is a reduction in the cost of standard treatment, as the person receiving the eggs (the ‘recipient’) undertakes to pay most of the expenses involved.

Who Can Be An Egg-Sharing Donor?

Egg sharing donors must:

have body mass index of <28 Kg/m2
be a non-smoker
be negative for various infectious diseaseshave a normal genetic analysis approved
be less than 34 years of age (i.e. before the 34th birthday)
have an AMH value of at least 16 pmol/L (showing a good ovarian reserve).


I won't lie, the main reason for us to take part in egg-sharing is that it would reduce the cost a great deal for us which means we can start treatment a lot sooner than if we were paying the full costs (IVF costs roughly £4.5k per cycle)  I spoke at length about it with mum and the idea of helping someone who is struggling with infertility is also a major plus in going ahead with treatment this way.  I know how devasting I've found the whole process of not being able to get pregnant, and can only imagine how much worse I would feel if I were having to rely on a donor for either eggs or sperm as there is such a shortage. 

Mum and hubby both asked how I would feel about someone else having (what would in effect be) my child and that at some point in future I could be contacted by that child as the UK no longer has anonimity regarding donors.  My answer for that is that I don't know - how can I possibly know how I would feel until it happened?  I'm not sure how much of a possibility it even is that A) the parents would tell the child that I donated eggs, or B) that the child would care/try and find me.  In my opinion, all I would be donating would be cells as it's not an embryo/baby until it is fertilised with sperm.  In my mind, it's equivilent to donating blood - which I also do - and in that case you don't become the person who donated the blood you receive do you?  That's my reasoning anyway, no matter how flawed others may think it is.  I would prepare any children we had by telling them (when they were old enough of course) that I donated eggs to allow another couple to become parents when otherwise they could not.  I know that if my mum had told me that I would be very proud of her, and can only hope that would be the case if we were in the same situation.

The other issue to consider is what if our treatment isn't successful (ie we don't get pregnant) and the recipient does?  With that one I don't think I would ask how their treatment went as it would no doubt be very painful to think it had worked for them and not us.  I know that if we go for egg collection and there aren't enough eggs to share that it'll break my heart, and I'm not sure what I would do.  The options are to keep all the eggs myself and pay in full for the treatment, or give all the eggs to the recipient and receive another round of treatment free (excluding drug costs)  On one hand it would be so hard to go through all the drugs etc then have no eggs to go back, but on the other hand I would feel so guilty and sad for the other woman as she would be feeling exactly the same way.  That is a decision I hope we don't have to make - and if we do then we'll deal with it then and do what we think is best.

So, armed with a list of the tests we need carried out I'm going to phone our GP tomorrow.  I know I've had most of them done, and obtaining the results will reduce the costs for us further as they won't need to be repeated.  I'm hoping that if we are missing any the GP will perform them for us - I can but hope!!  I also need to contact the clinic tomorrow (god thats scaring me to actually make the phonecall) and arrange our initial consultation and fertility assessment (to see if we can proceed with donating)  Following that we need to book a "consents" appointment (which according to the girl I e-mailed today is booking into early June) then we'll be ready to start treatment. 

All being well we should be starting treatment in mid June this year!!!

A little bit about us

The best place to start is at the beginning, so here we go .....

My husband and I had been married for a year when we decided to start trying for a baby of our own.  My husband has two kids from a previous marriage, so this would be his third child and my first.
It is drummed into you while you're young that having unprotected sex = getting pregnant, but what they never tell you is that for some people it isn't as straight forward as all that.

I stopped taking my birth control pills in August 2009, naively thinking that we'd more than likely be pregnant by Christmas (I was actually so confident that I bought I dress for my sister's wedding the following July that would accommodate a bump!)  Christmas came and went and we were still no closer to being pregnant.  A few months later I decided that I'd go and see our GP and have some tests carried out to check things were all working as they should be.

I had the usual blood tests carried out which all showed that I ovulate as normal.  However hubby's sperm analysis came back showing low motility.  To confirm this, we had another test done which showed the same, and this prompted the GP to refer us on to the Fertility Clinic at the local hospital.
Our appointment came through - and was on our second wedding anniversary.  Long story short, they carried out another three sperm analysis on hubby (two were still bad and one was fine - we think this was because we were just back from holiday and he was very relaxed)  I also had an HSG which showed that there were no blockages in my fallopian tubes.

Our last visit to the Fertility Clinic was on 8th March and the Consultant decided that the only way we would achieve a pregnancy would be through IVF (ICSI)  For this we had to be sent to a bigger hospital as ours does not perform IVF.  So far the only appointment we have had at the new hospital was for hubby to have yet another sperm analysis last week and then we have to attend another appointment on 11th May to find out which treatment they think would be best for us.

So as things stand just now, we will be put onto the waiting list for IVF which for our area means a year long wait.