Our Month Off

Just realised it's been almost four weeks since I updated on here - how on earth did that happen!!!  So, we had an enforced month off treatment because we were going to be in Italy in the middle of the next cycle.  I was a bit upset about it, but to be honest it's been nice having a break from drugs and appointments for a few weeks.

Our week in Bologna was amazing - I'm not a city person at all but I could live there no problem.  We spent the week visiting all the beautiful buildings in the city and just soaking up the whole atmosphere of the place.  It's not touristy at all,so it feels very authentically Italian as apposed to the way it goes when places become tourist hot spots.  The one place that stood out to me over everywhere else was a chapel called San Pietro.  It didn't look anything from the outside, and we actually wandered into it because we saw someone coming out and wondered what it was.  I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but for some reason that place seemed to pull me in and I wanted to go back to it over and over again.  I just wanted to sit at the back and think, and it seemed to be so easy to do that there.

Being away gave us a chance to talk about things without the pressure of appointments and without me being totally irrational because of the drugs.  DH admitted that he feels it's all his fault that we can't get pregnant and that if the treatment doesn't work he think's we'll split up within a year.  I told him that I felt as though he wasn't interested in the treatment and hadn't asked how I was feeling through the whole TWW, and that he didn't even know when the OTD was.  He said he did know when the OTD was, but he didn't want to talk about it all the time because he knew it would upset me.  I think we both realised that we keep things to ourselves a lot because we're scared of hurting the other one, but that it actually hurts us both more when we don't talk about things.  After that things were fine (well, apart from me losing my purse with half of our spending money and credit card in it!!  Wasn't found but mum sent money to us through Western Union so we were ok)

Strangely though, I didn't OV when we were away (still haven't and since I'm on CD21 or 23 (not sure which day to take as CD1 this month) I've no idea what's going on)  AF is next due on 3rd December, so unless she arrives then I've no idea what's going to happen with our next cycle as we may not be able to fit a cycle in before Christmas.

I think the break away did do us the world of good and made us feel more like just being "us" again.  DH did surprise me at the airport on the way home by going into the Ducati shop and buying these for us to keep, and hopefully we'll need them at some point.

S x

Taking a Break

Today was official test date (OTD) and because of that I had to call the fertility clinic today.

Having spoken to my friend L (who is at the same clinic as us having IUI) about the FC not accepting my AF as a proper AF - something they told me on Monday when I called to ask - we decided that I'd be better to test this morning before I called them.  L was actually a star and we met last night because she had some HPT's that she wanted me to have to use today.

So this morning, not holding out much hope I POAS as ordered and wasn't the slightest bit surprised that it was a BFN.  Thankfully when I called the clinic today the nurse I spoke to was happy with that and said that I know my body better than anyone and if I'm happy what I had was an AF then that was good enough for her, so that cycle has officially been written off as a failure.

Next Monday we're off on a wee holiday - and I can't wait.  We're going to Bologna - home of Ducati - for five days and of course while we're there we will be visiting the Ducati museum and factory.  To be honest I think we badly need some time away together to try and forget about all the stress of fertility treatment.  The last few months have been really difficult, and have put a huge strain on our marriage, so hopefully some time away just relaxing will help us sort ourselves out and hopefully take some of the strain off.

Sadly though, it does mean we'll have to miss a month of treatment as we would have been due to have the actual IUI done at the end of next week when we won't be here.  In a way I'm kind of glad to have a break from all the injections and scans, but it's going to be a hard month knowing that we're back to doing nothing again.  I do OV while we're away though, so I'm sure we'll take advantage of being in a romantic country and I guess you just never know (well actually I do know, but I can live in hope!!)

S x

Over and Out

Well, surprise surprise - AF arrived today so our IUI didn't work :-(

I didn't post during the TWW, as to be honest there wasn't really anything to say.  I had my normal post OV symptoms, but that was it really.  I was naughty and tested early on Thursday, and I wasn't the least bit shocked to see a BFN as I just knew this time hadn't worked.  Friday I started spotting very pale pink, then nothing for the rest of the day until Friday evening when I had a tiny amount of brown spotting.  Yesterday there was yet more spotting, only for AF to arrive proper today.

On Friday I thought it was all over anyway, but when the spotting stopped I'll admit I did get my hopes up ever so slightly that maybe it was an implantation bleed.  Yesterday though I had a word with myself because I knew I was only setting myself up for a fall thinking that way, and lo and behold wasn't I just proved right!!!

So, I'll allow myself a day or two (at most) of being upset then yet again it's time to dust myself off and get on with it again.  Sadly this month will be an enforced month off, as we decided we need some time away and we're heading to Bologna (Italy) on Monday next week for five days.  I am frustrated that we'll have to miss this month and let another chance of a BFP pass us by, but there isn't anything I can do about so we'll just have to have some "au natural" trying while we're on holiday ;-)

S x

Death of a Legend

I'm an emotional person normally, but honestly when I'm injecting I'm a total wreck and the sad news yesterday all but tipped me over the edge.

After our IUI on Friday we had a very quiet weekend and I just took things easy.  Yesterday was our MotoGP day, so we were up early as it was in Malaysia.  The 125cc and Moto2 races went off ok, then the GP started.  All was well for the warm up lap, then the race proper started and in only the second lap of the race the most awful thing I have ever witnessed happened - Marco Simoncelli lost control of his bike, veered across the track and two other riders (Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi) ran over him.  All of a sudden there were three bikes flying into the gravel trap, with Vale still on his, Edwards on the ground - and Simo flying across the track, face down and worst of all without his helmet on.  I have honestly never felt so sick as I did when I saw him without his helmet on lying on the track not moving.

The race was immediately red flagged (stopped) and the medical teams rushed to Simo and Edwards.  Vale was able to ride back to the pits and seemed to be unhurt.  We knew it wasn't going to be good news, but we were keeping everything crossed that because he was a fit strong young guy he'd be ok.  Race direction decided that they'd restart the race at 4.30pm - 9.30am BST - but just after that time they announced that although Marco had regained consciousness, they were abandoning the race to allow the medical teams to concentrate on him.

All filming stopped at the point, so we were checking non-stop on line to find out what was happening - only to find out at 10am that Marco had died four minutes earlier.  I'm not a person who gets upset by celebrity deaths, but as soon as I saw that the tears started and I just couldn't stop them.  I just can't believe that he's dead, which sounds really stupid considering I didn't even know the guy I know, but for some reason his death just knocked me sideways.  For the rest of the day there were tributes and statements released about Marco's death, and eventually I had to stop readying them because every time I did I'd start to cry again.

Even today, listening to the obituary that's been done on the BBC website for Marco I had tears running down my face and just couldn't stop them.  My heart really goes out to all his family, and to his close friend Valentino Rossi who must be devastated that not only has his friend gone, but he was actually involved in the crash that resulted in his death.  I know they'll be kind of forgotten because everyone will be so consumed with thinking of Marco's family, but I feel so much for Vale and for Colin Edwards (who sustained a dislocated shoulder in the crash) who will no doubt be tearing themselves apart, even although there was nothing they could have done to avoid Marco.

They will have to live with the fact that they were involved - through no fault of their own - in Marco's death.  I just hope that they realise that it wasn't either of their faults and that no one blames them in the slightest for what happened - it was a completely freak accident with devastating consequences.

It really makes you realise how frigile life is.

Caio Marco, you'll never been forgotten and always be remembered as the champion you are #58

S x

The Closest We've Ever Been to Being Pregnant

After an almost sleepless night last night - think I got about two hours sleep - we were back at the FC this morning for hubby to hand in his sample.  We were at a bit of a lose end when we got home, and I think the biggest fear we both had was that we'd get a phone call to say that hubby's sample wasn't good enough to use and we'd have to abandon another cycle.

Thankfully though, we were worrying for nothing.  We went back to the FC at midday and when I asked the nurse she said the sample was slightly low, but perfectly adequate for IUI.  It was back on the table and into the stirrups (do you know I don't even get embarrassed any more) for the actual IUI to take place.  The scientist from the lab came in with the prepared sample, and after loads of checks to confirm it was ours the nurse got started.

I'd read on line it was a bit like having a smear done, and it was I guess.  The nurse inserts a speculum as you have done at a smear, then she puts a thin catheter into your uterus and injects the first sample there.  She then moves the catheter and inserts another sample at the opening to the cervix (the first is the "best" of the sample and the second is the rest)  And that's it, all done.  We were left in the room for five minutes with the table tipped up slightly, then just got ready and went home.  I haven't actually OV'd yet, but it should be tonight or tomorrow morning and hubby's commando's will be sitting there waiting on the egg arriving.

One the nurse was finished and hubby and I were just sitting together on our own, I started to feel really emotional and had to stop myself from crying especially when hubby leaned over, kissed me and told me he loved me.  I didn't think it would effect me that way, but I guess when you think about it today could be the day when our baby is conceived.  I'm trying really hard not to think that way though and to keep reminding myself that there is a very good chance it won't work, but just the odd time it's nice to dream a little and think that maybe, just maybe it'll be our turn for a miracle.

S x

The day that changes our lives?

Well, the last of the Gonal F injections were done yesterday (CD5 7 & 9) and I was back at the FC today for a scan to check how many follicles we had this time.  I was so convinced that I'd over stimulate again that I was totally prepared for it to be another abandoned cycle.  What I shock I got when the nurse told me that we had one follicle at 17mm and a couple of smaller ones - so we could go ahead with the rest of the treatment!!!
To help the other follicles along, I was given another Gonal F injection to do at the clinic (hubby found it really funny that I was at the hospital but had to do my own injection) and given a 250mg Ovitrelle to inject at midday. I wasn't really looking forward to doing it at work, but as it turned out it wasn't too bad and I managed to sneak it into a sharps bin at work ok so that I didn't have to try and carry it home (I work in a lab by the way)

So, as of now I should be about ready to ovulate at least one egg, possibly more if the Gonal F has worked ok.  Tomorrow morning hubby has to do his bit, and take it over to the FC at 8.45am.  Then it's back at midday for us and that's when the actual IUI will take place.

For anyone who doesn't know the process, what basically happens is that the take hubby's sperm and wash it to sort the good swimmers out.  They are then put into a medium that helps nurture them and keep them alive, and that solution is then inserted via a catheter into my uterus.  Apparently it's no more uncomfortable than a smear test although it can cause a bit of cramping, but I'll withhold my judgement on that until I've had it done.

Hubby is a bit worried that his sample will be one of the not so great ones and it will mean the IUI won't work, but as I told him there isn't anything we can do about it and we just have to take things as they come and hope for the best.

So, tomorrow could be the day that changes our lives forever - if we're lucky!!

S x

Ouchee!!!!!

Night one of doing the injections all on my own at home, and I think it went pretty well for my first go considering it's been a few weeks since I did the one in front of the nurse.

I think I pressed the needle in a bit too hard, because I've got a bit of bruising appearing around it but I can live with that.  It's so much easier to be able to do them at home too instead of having to trail up to the hospital every time too.  I don't think hubby is very keen on it though, because I was doing it sitting next to him and he kept his head turned away! lol  Goodness knows how he'd be if he had to inject himself or if I couldn't do it and he had to inject me!!

Before you start treatment and see all the bits and pieces that you have to take home in order to do your injections, it can be quite worrying because you don't know what to expect.  I posted a picture of my "goody bag" before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the actual injection pack for anyone who hasn't started treatment yet.  Sometimes when you know what to expect it's not quite as scary.

The pink needle is the big one you use to inject the liquid into the vial and then draw it up again, and the red needle is the one you use to actually inject yourself.  Don't worry though, once you've seen them both there is no way you'd mix them up because the pink one is HUGE!!! lol  You'd certainly know all about it if you tried to stick that one into your tummy!!

It sounds a bit strange, but I was actually looking forward to starting my injections today because it makes it feels as though you're doing something proactive for a change.  Last cycle when I was injecting the Gonal F I didn't have any side effects really other than a bit of bloating after the third injection.  The one thing I did find with it though was that it made me sleep really well - which I wasn't expecting at all!!!  Fingers crossed that's one side effect I get again this cycle!!!

S x