Death of a Legend

I'm an emotional person normally, but honestly when I'm injecting I'm a total wreck and the sad news yesterday all but tipped me over the edge.

After our IUI on Friday we had a very quiet weekend and I just took things easy.  Yesterday was our MotoGP day, so we were up early as it was in Malaysia.  The 125cc and Moto2 races went off ok, then the GP started.  All was well for the warm up lap, then the race proper started and in only the second lap of the race the most awful thing I have ever witnessed happened - Marco Simoncelli lost control of his bike, veered across the track and two other riders (Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi) ran over him.  All of a sudden there were three bikes flying into the gravel trap, with Vale still on his, Edwards on the ground - and Simo flying across the track, face down and worst of all without his helmet on.  I have honestly never felt so sick as I did when I saw him without his helmet on lying on the track not moving.

The race was immediately red flagged (stopped) and the medical teams rushed to Simo and Edwards.  Vale was able to ride back to the pits and seemed to be unhurt.  We knew it wasn't going to be good news, but we were keeping everything crossed that because he was a fit strong young guy he'd be ok.  Race direction decided that they'd restart the race at 4.30pm - 9.30am BST - but just after that time they announced that although Marco had regained consciousness, they were abandoning the race to allow the medical teams to concentrate on him.

All filming stopped at the point, so we were checking non-stop on line to find out what was happening - only to find out at 10am that Marco had died four minutes earlier.  I'm not a person who gets upset by celebrity deaths, but as soon as I saw that the tears started and I just couldn't stop them.  I just can't believe that he's dead, which sounds really stupid considering I didn't even know the guy I know, but for some reason his death just knocked me sideways.  For the rest of the day there were tributes and statements released about Marco's death, and eventually I had to stop readying them because every time I did I'd start to cry again.

Even today, listening to the obituary that's been done on the BBC website for Marco I had tears running down my face and just couldn't stop them.  My heart really goes out to all his family, and to his close friend Valentino Rossi who must be devastated that not only has his friend gone, but he was actually involved in the crash that resulted in his death.  I know they'll be kind of forgotten because everyone will be so consumed with thinking of Marco's family, but I feel so much for Vale and for Colin Edwards (who sustained a dislocated shoulder in the crash) who will no doubt be tearing themselves apart, even although there was nothing they could have done to avoid Marco.

They will have to live with the fact that they were involved - through no fault of their own - in Marco's death.  I just hope that they realise that it wasn't either of their faults and that no one blames them in the slightest for what happened - it was a completely freak accident with devastating consequences.

It really makes you realise how frigile life is.

Caio Marco, you'll never been forgotten and always be remembered as the champion you are #58

S x

The Closest We've Ever Been to Being Pregnant

After an almost sleepless night last night - think I got about two hours sleep - we were back at the FC this morning for hubby to hand in his sample.  We were at a bit of a lose end when we got home, and I think the biggest fear we both had was that we'd get a phone call to say that hubby's sample wasn't good enough to use and we'd have to abandon another cycle.

Thankfully though, we were worrying for nothing.  We went back to the FC at midday and when I asked the nurse she said the sample was slightly low, but perfectly adequate for IUI.  It was back on the table and into the stirrups (do you know I don't even get embarrassed any more) for the actual IUI to take place.  The scientist from the lab came in with the prepared sample, and after loads of checks to confirm it was ours the nurse got started.

I'd read on line it was a bit like having a smear done, and it was I guess.  The nurse inserts a speculum as you have done at a smear, then she puts a thin catheter into your uterus and injects the first sample there.  She then moves the catheter and inserts another sample at the opening to the cervix (the first is the "best" of the sample and the second is the rest)  And that's it, all done.  We were left in the room for five minutes with the table tipped up slightly, then just got ready and went home.  I haven't actually OV'd yet, but it should be tonight or tomorrow morning and hubby's commando's will be sitting there waiting on the egg arriving.

One the nurse was finished and hubby and I were just sitting together on our own, I started to feel really emotional and had to stop myself from crying especially when hubby leaned over, kissed me and told me he loved me.  I didn't think it would effect me that way, but I guess when you think about it today could be the day when our baby is conceived.  I'm trying really hard not to think that way though and to keep reminding myself that there is a very good chance it won't work, but just the odd time it's nice to dream a little and think that maybe, just maybe it'll be our turn for a miracle.

S x

The day that changes our lives?

Well, the last of the Gonal F injections were done yesterday (CD5 7 & 9) and I was back at the FC today for a scan to check how many follicles we had this time.  I was so convinced that I'd over stimulate again that I was totally prepared for it to be another abandoned cycle.  What I shock I got when the nurse told me that we had one follicle at 17mm and a couple of smaller ones - so we could go ahead with the rest of the treatment!!!
To help the other follicles along, I was given another Gonal F injection to do at the clinic (hubby found it really funny that I was at the hospital but had to do my own injection) and given a 250mg Ovitrelle to inject at midday. I wasn't really looking forward to doing it at work, but as it turned out it wasn't too bad and I managed to sneak it into a sharps bin at work ok so that I didn't have to try and carry it home (I work in a lab by the way)

So, as of now I should be about ready to ovulate at least one egg, possibly more if the Gonal F has worked ok.  Tomorrow morning hubby has to do his bit, and take it over to the FC at 8.45am.  Then it's back at midday for us and that's when the actual IUI will take place.

For anyone who doesn't know the process, what basically happens is that the take hubby's sperm and wash it to sort the good swimmers out.  They are then put into a medium that helps nurture them and keep them alive, and that solution is then inserted via a catheter into my uterus.  Apparently it's no more uncomfortable than a smear test although it can cause a bit of cramping, but I'll withhold my judgement on that until I've had it done.

Hubby is a bit worried that his sample will be one of the not so great ones and it will mean the IUI won't work, but as I told him there isn't anything we can do about it and we just have to take things as they come and hope for the best.

So, tomorrow could be the day that changes our lives forever - if we're lucky!!

S x

Ouchee!!!!!

Night one of doing the injections all on my own at home, and I think it went pretty well for my first go considering it's been a few weeks since I did the one in front of the nurse.

I think I pressed the needle in a bit too hard, because I've got a bit of bruising appearing around it but I can live with that.  It's so much easier to be able to do them at home too instead of having to trail up to the hospital every time too.  I don't think hubby is very keen on it though, because I was doing it sitting next to him and he kept his head turned away! lol  Goodness knows how he'd be if he had to inject himself or if I couldn't do it and he had to inject me!!

Before you start treatment and see all the bits and pieces that you have to take home in order to do your injections, it can be quite worrying because you don't know what to expect.  I posted a picture of my "goody bag" before, but I thought I'd post a picture of the actual injection pack for anyone who hasn't started treatment yet.  Sometimes when you know what to expect it's not quite as scary.

The pink needle is the big one you use to inject the liquid into the vial and then draw it up again, and the red needle is the one you use to actually inject yourself.  Don't worry though, once you've seen them both there is no way you'd mix them up because the pink one is HUGE!!! lol  You'd certainly know all about it if you tried to stick that one into your tummy!!

It sounds a bit strange, but I was actually looking forward to starting my injections today because it makes it feels as though you're doing something proactive for a change.  Last cycle when I was injecting the Gonal F I didn't have any side effects really other than a bit of bloating after the third injection.  The one thing I did find with it though was that it made me sleep really well - which I wasn't expecting at all!!!  Fingers crossed that's one side effect I get again this cycle!!!

S x

And we're off......

Scan this morning and all the follicles are gone, so we're good to go for IUI attempt number 2.

Had the crabby nurse again today and this time she didn't even tell hubby to come through for the scan, just left him sitting on the other side of the curtain.  He didn't really miss anything though because she was done in two minutes and just said "all the follicles are gone" and that was it.  Still, I'm pleased thing are all ok and we aren't going to have to miss a month of treatment.  Because I did my last injection with the nurse, I can do them all at home now which is much easier as means a hell of a lot less trips to the hospital.  I've got three Gonal-F injections home to do tomorrow, Monday and Wednesday then it's back to the hospital for another scan on Thursday. It should really be Friday for the scan, but because it's the weekend it has to be a day earlier.  Just have to hope that the follicles are ready on Thursday to allow the IUI to happen on Friday, otherwise it'll be another abandoned cycle as I know that I'll OV naturally over next weekend.

So, all being well we should hopefully only have between 1-3 follicles this time as I'm not taking clomid this month, just the Gonal-F injections.  Really hope that things go well this time as I really don't want to have another abandoned cycle.

Oh, just remembered something I asked the nurse too.  I've always had pretty light AF's but it's never bothered me until we started TTC and I was starting to wonder if it was an issue.  I kept forgetting to ask, but when I asked today she said it shouldn't be a problem as all my tests were totally normal and the lining of my womb looks ok too.  So, seems I'm just a bit strange and should just enjoy having a 1 day AF instead of the 5-7 days most people seem to have.

S x

And so it begins again!!

AF decided to show up five days late on Monday, and to be honest I was quite glad because I don't really do waiting very well!! lol  I was prepared for it being a killer AF because from what I can see on line it seems that the drugs do make it heavier and the cramping worse.  I had one day of killer cramps on Monday - to the point I could barely walk up right - but after that it got better and by Tuesday night I was fine.

It's a bit strange though, and I need to try and remember to ask at the FC, but my AF's only last 24 hours at a push.  Every test I've had done has come back fine (HSG, bloods etc) but I can't help thinking that there must be something wrong that I only have a 1 day AF when most people seem to have 5 days or more.  I know I shouldn't really complain, but it does worry me slightly.

Anyway, I spoke to the nurses on Monday and I've to go for yet another date with the dildo-cam tomorrow.  Because I over stimulated last month, they need to scan me to check that there aren't any follicles left over that haven't been reabsorbed.  If they've all gone, then great and I'll start injecting myself on Saturday (CD5) and continue every other day until I go back for a scan on CD11.  If they aren't gone then we won't be allowed to start the next IUI cycle and we'll have to miss a month - which wouldn't be great.

So, keep your fingers crossed that it's all good at the scan tomorrow and we can get started on the lovely process all over again.

S x

Waiting!

Well, we're now at 16 days past ovulation - and no sign of AF as yet.  I haven't tested yet as I'm sure it's just AF playing funny beggars and she'll arrive soon, but I am slightly worried because of the number of follicles I had just after OV.

I have been pretty hormonal all week this week, more so that when I was actually taking the drugs.  So much so that while I was telling my sister about our failed cycle the other day on the phone, I got upset and couldn't speak anymore but when I handed the phone to hubby he was really stroppy about it and I totally lost it and shouted at him that he was a "fcuking d*ck" and stormed upstairs!!!  I never every say anything like that to him, so can only imagine that it's the drugs making me a nutcase!!  We didn't speak all day yesterday, but we seem to have made up a bit now thankfully because I hate it when we're not speaking.

I knew all of the treatment would be stressful, but this is the first time really that I've realised quite how much of a hormone monster it turns you into.  Fingers crossed that when I start the next lot of drugs it won't be as bad as I'll be taking less this time.

S x

I'm having an affair .....

......with the dildo cam!!!!  Feels that way anyway as I'm ahem "intimate" with that more than I am with hubby at the minute!!!

Back at the FC again today for yet another scan, and it was good news!!  We're now down to 3 follicles on one ovary and 2 on the other-yipee!!!  So since Friday's scan each side has gone down by two, so going on that they *should* all be gone Thursday or Friday.  I really hope so, as AF is due between Thursday and Sunday and if they're not all gone when I'm scanned at the clinic again between CD1-5 we won't be allowed to start the next cycle.

It was bad enough having this cycle abandoned, but the thought of having to spend another month doing nothing just doesn't bear thinking about - I don't know how I'd cope with that to be honest.

S x

An Educational Day (for a change)

After the scan on Friday showed things to be getting slightly better, I think they're continuing on the same track as I've not been feeling as bad the last two days - yipee!!!

Today was a proper "Me" day  (don't know the last time I had one of those!)  I started off at the swimming then when I was finished I went and had a coffee (decaf naturally) and read my book for an hour in the hotel lounge. It's not normally something I'd do alone, but I had time to kill before heading to the Nuffield so it seemed a good plan.  Was very enjoyable actually!!

Then I headed into the Nuffield Private Hospital in Glasgow for a fertility open day.  We'd been booked on one before but couldn't make it, so I was really looking forward to today.  I was a bit early, so they just added me into the earlier group and we started off by having a presentation from one of the consultants.  She was really nice and went through everything about the hospital and what happens there in regard to fertility treatment.  After that, we actually got to meet the Embryologist and she showed us pictures from the microscope of every stage right from egg collection, fertilization, days 1-5 and embryo transfer.  After that we were all shown around the clinic by one of the nurses, and got to see in the consultation rooms, the bedrooms you use when you're in for egg-collection and embryo transfer, the room you go into for collection and transfer (looked quite scary actually) and the special room they have for hubby's to do their part.  I have to say I was very impressed with that room as it had an outside door, a little corridor then the actual door to the room which is great because then it wouldn't feel as though you could hear everyone going past and that they might walk in.

All in all it was a brilliant day and it's the most information I've been given by anyone we've seen.  It was really good to see where "it all happens" too as to be honest I don't think I had much of a clue about where they'd actually do the treatment.  

After the tour we were able to have a private consultation with one of the nurses to discuss what we were looking for from treatment.  Although I was there on my own (hubby was nightshift last night) I decided to speak to the nurse anyway just to see what she thought of where we are. She was VERY surprised that I'd over stimulated on the doses of drugs I was on, and said I must have a very high AMH level which is fantastic for IVF.  She also brought up egg-sharing as an option for us, and as I've said before it is something that I think I might like to do to help someone else who is struggling to TTC.

I'm home armed with a bundle of information to show hubby (if he ever stops playing footie on the PS3 with C) and discuss if we want to go ahead with private treatment or just stick with the IUI and wait on our turn for IVF.

My gut feeling - I really really liked the hospital today and would love to go ahead with our treatment there asap.

S x